Relationship Skills

The skilful use of time

May 14, 2013 By Dr David Fraser Leave a Comment

In relating to other people, time can be an ally, if we use it right.

It’s more usual just to react to what happens in the present, transacting back and forth, hoping to make progress in the direction we want to go in, all in the here and now. We want to solve it this instant.

But as Abraham Lincoln says in the film, “Time has a way of thickening things.”

Sometimes it’s better to plant some seeds, or to train the vine a little, than go for the harvest straight off.

Or to move on from a problem, think of how things can be different tomorrow, next week, or next year. Imagine them solved now, and look back to the present. How significant (or not) do the issues seem from that distance?

As Lao Tzu wrote in the Tao Te Ching 2,500 years ago, “This too shall pass”. Nothing, but nothing, lasts forever.

How do you use time in your relationships?

Filed Under: Relationship Skills, Wisdom Tagged With: Abraham Lincoln, Dr David Fraser, Tao Te Ching, this too shall pass, time, using time

How do you take “no” for an answer?

May 6, 2013 By Dr David Fraser 1 Comment

Man thinking There something about train fares…

We seem to have a remarkable ability to get worked up about relatively modest amounts of money when it comes to train fares. If our request for a reduced fare is turned down (for legitimate reasons, of course, though we don’t see it that way at the time), we sometimes don’t handle it very well. Our ego is hurt.

Recently I saw one ticket-less guy take it really badly. He ended up storming off and jumping over the exit barriers. Except he didn’t make it at the first attempt and fell back on the wrong side. The indignity of that prompted more abuse towards the railwayman who had offended. I can’t repeat here what he said, but you can probably guess: two words, not very original. At one level, it was hilariously funny…

Ok, so we wouldn’t do that.

But how well do we accept having a request turned down; being told “no”?

Sometimes we do indeed need to push harder.

Other times we do better to accept with good grace.

How do you take “no” for an answer, when really you’d be best to? How do you keep your ego in check? How do you stay cool when you need to?

Worth working on.

Filed Under: Communication, Personal Mastery, Relationship Skills, Wisdom Tagged With: Dr David Fraser, ego, keeping your ego in check, staying cool, taking no for an answer

Humility and influence

May 1, 2013 By Dr David Fraser Leave a Comment

Group in discussion Do those with the most humility have the most influence? Or is vocalising knowledge and expertise an essential part of gaining the attention required to make a difference?

Often it seems that those who have learned the most have the least need to speak, whilst others who are working things out need to express their ideas outwardly.

Of course, we need to remember some people like to process internally and others externally as a matter of preference, so we need to take that into account.

That allowed for, sometimes it’s the quieter ones—the ones with humility—that really have the knowledge, and in fact the greater influence. Perhaps they know enough to know how much they don’t know, and so we trust them more.

What’s your experience?

Filed Under: Leadership, Learning, Personal Mastery, Relationship Skills Tagged With: Dr David Fraser, expertise, humility, influence, knowledge

Are we talking about the same thing?

April 29, 2013 By Dr David Fraser Leave a Comment

Informal meeting The conversation seems to go round in circles. Actually, it would be more accurate to say it meanders all over the place. The participants do seem to be talking about one subject though. After all, they’re using the same words.

But they’re not talking about the same thing at all.

And so the conversation doesn’t make much sense and the result is a fog.

The reason is, of course, words mean different things to different people, and they automatically attach the meaning they know to what’s said. All these different meanings have their place, to be fair, but we need to make clear which one we have in mind.

Take “leadership”, for example—one of the most talked about themes in the world today. Unfortunately, also one of the words interpreted in many different ways, such as…

Going first
The individuals in charge of an organisation
Politicians
The exercise of authority
Management
Taking the initiative in a team
Contributing something to shape the future
Stepping ahead or across
Setting an example

That’s just a few of the possible interpretations. The problem is we may not realise how different our understanding can be.

In another example, we tend to talk about measures and targets interchangeably as if they’re the same thing. They’re not. Measures help us learn about a process, and generally are helpful. Targets, on the other hand, are much more controversial. Do they lead to the desired outcomes or do they make them less likely? Talk in a muddled way about targets and measures without distinguishing between them and we have little hope of making progress.

This all seems rather obvious, but public gathering after public gathering shows we still make the mistake.

It’s wise to assume our words have a wider range of meanings than we realise and state the one we mean (as well as our respect for the rest).

If you want a fruitful conversation; take time to make clear what you’re talking about.

Otherwise, make plans for fog.

Filed Under: Communication, Leadership, Relationship Skills Tagged With: conversation, Dr David Fraser, fog, leadership, leading, meaning, measures, range of meaning, round in circles, targets

Clarity or ambiguity—which is your friend?

April 22, 2013 By Dr David Fraser Leave a Comment

Executives listening to a presentation Most of us have been brought up to seek precision; to look for clarity; the one right answer.

So it seems natural to be uncomfortable with ambiguity.

And yet…

Sometimes ambiguity is our friend. It helps keep people together and, oddly enough, things on track. It allows connection to develop and be sustained.

Define things too precisely and some of those involved will no longer be on board. Keep things a little bit loose and they can leave their hats in the ring, especially if they are predisposed to for other reasons.

Eventually, perhaps, the differences will have to be reconciled. Or perhaps they won’t. Maybe they’ll be unimportant by then, so much having been achieved by the joint effort.

Some questions have more than one answer anyway. “Both-and” applies more often than we realise.

So the skilful management of “creative ambiguity” is an art worth practising.

And of course, in the words of the Tao Te Ching, “Mystery is the doorway to understanding.”

Perhaps ambiguity is a doorway too.

Holding the mystery may create the conditions for learning. Going for clarity too soon may shut them down.

What’s the right amount of ambiguity to tolerate for the particular outcome you want?

Filed Under: Leadership, Learning, Relationship Skills, Wisdom Tagged With: ambiguity, both-and, clarity, creative ambiguity, Dr David Fraser, keeping things on track, sustaining connection

We’re all the same; we’re all very different

April 8, 2013 By Dr David Fraser Leave a Comment

High Street scene During a workshop recently, I asked for observations on the learning exercise we’d just done. Two people spoke up almost in unison, except that what they said was very different…

“It’s amazing how different people are,” said one.

“It’s amazing how much we’re all the same,” said the other, in almost the same moment.

What a perfect illustration…

We are both more different from other people than we realise, and, at the same time, more the same than we realise. It depends where you look.

If you want to find sameness, perhaps because you want to build a relationship, go toward the bigger themes like family, making a difference, and belonging to groups. Go instead toward the details and chances are you’ll find more difference.

Here’s one practical takeaway…

If you’ve got a job to do, find the areas of sameness and use them to build the rapport you need to sustain the relationship through the areas of difference.

And…

What my participants had to say might well reflect their personal preference for noticing difference or noticing sameness—a personality trait with far-reaching implications: Being a “mismatcher” (noticing difference) is a vital role, but sometimes doesn’t make friends; building sameness makes friends (and sales), but misses more errors. Or it might reflect their preference for big picture or details.

What’s your experience? How much are we the same and how much are we different?

What might your answer suggest about where you prefer to look—big picture or details, sameness or difference?

Filed Under: Personal Mastery, Relationship Skills Tagged With: big picture, details, difference, making friends, mismatcher, sameness, workshop

We don’t laugh at the majority

March 25, 2013 By Dr David Fraser Leave a Comment

High Street scene We don’t laugh at the majority, because the majority has power.

And we don’t laugh at power, because it’s dangerous. It might throw us out.

But we do laugh at minorities, because minorities are weak.

And we do laugh at weakness because it’s safe.

Minorities are different, and different is funny. Really, it is. Unexpected difference is the basis of humour.

Yes, I know, you’re horrified to think you’re involved.

But we all do it, because it’s everywhere. It’s in our culture and our language, and it’s unconscious, in our norms, the little jokes. Sure, we’re mindful in some areas. But not in others.

Sometimes it’s the little, subtle things that hurt, not the big ones, because we don’t notice, but they do.

I know I’ve made these mistakes. It’s a lifelong effort, learning to avoid them.

For all of us perhaps.

Filed Under: Change, Relationship Skills, Wisdom Tagged With: humour, majority, minority, power, unconscious, weakness

Does a close relationship help or hinder profit on a contract?

March 17, 2013 By Dr David Fraser Leave a Comment

Group in discussion at a computer It’s likely you’ll have an immediate response to that question. But is it actually so simple? And is your response the same as everyone else’s?

From the opposite perspective, we could equally ask, “Does a close relationship help or hinder cost-effective procurement?”

Again, there maybe isn’t a unanimous, clear-cut answer.

It is noticeable that when contracts get in difficulty, the parties tend to act as if being tough will maximise their outcome (or minimise their loss) and so they retreat from connection with the other party. They fear that building or rebuilding relationship with the other side will hurt their financial position, because they’ll then be obliged to concede.

But is that really the case?

It could be that working on the relationship is the very thing that enables them to achieve a more favourable outcome, especially if they are the ones taking the initiative, or even for both sides to succeed in their goals, perhaps by broadening the parameters of the conversation.

What do you think?

If things get difficult on a contract, are you better to go transactional and tough or to build bridges, or something else?

Filed Under: Organizations, Project management, Relationship Skills Tagged With: contracts, Dr David Fraser, favourable outcome, procurement

Is that it?

March 10, 2013 By Dr David Fraser 1 Comment

Woman reflecting Probably, yes.

It seems we’re conditioned to expect complicated answers to problems. And yet, when it comes to issues relating to other people, it’s often the simple things that make the difference—sometimes so simple they seem hard to get hold of at all, almost not real.

Why is that?

Well, it’s because our unconscious minds are running the show, on both sides—determining our emotions, among other things—and they play by different rules. Our unconscious minds are child-like in nature and react accordingly. Simple changes are the ones that connect and influence outcomes. Paradoxically, that’s where the power is.

So, if you think you’ve identified a change that might make the difference, and yet you’re thinking “Is that it?”…

It probably is it. Try it and see.

Save the complicated thinking stuff for another time. If you’re heading more that way, you’re going in the wrong direction.

Filed Under: Change, Relationship Skills Tagged With: Dr David Fraser, simple things make big differences, unconscious mind

So where are they in their learning?

February 25, 2013 By Dr David Fraser Leave a Comment

Group of professional people It’s a funny thing…

Socially, it seems to be expected that we behave as if everyone knows what they need to know; that they are not learning anything further; that they are complete.

And yet…

We’re learning all the time: How to deal with new situations, new challenges, and new resources.

So where on their journey of learning is the person you’re dealing with?

Worth setting your expectations, picking your words, and choosing your actions accordingly, rather than by reference to where you’re at.

…at least if you hope for progress, that is.

Filed Under: Learning, Relationship Skills, Wisdom Tagged With: Dr David Fraser, journey of learning, learning